Sdtrk: ‘Onion flower’ by Medicine

I just ate a whole puppy!

April Fools!

I got nothin’. Sorry

Sdtrk: ‘Dimension futur’ by Lucien Lavoute

It seems people are digging hamsters all of a sudden! Well, not literally digging them. You don’t plant packets of hamster seeds, water them, and come back months later to find small rodents partially submerged in dirt. Unless, of course, hamster gestation has made some really left-field developments that I was previously unaware of.

‘Ayep Martha, the crop sure done looks good this year’

Nation’s shoppers covet sofa and small furry pet
Times Online | March 22, 2005

HAMSTERS have burrowed their way into the nation’s shopping baskets, taking their place for the first time in an official list of widely bought products.

People trying to keep up with the times need to buy one of the furry creatures, along with laptops, leather sofas, wrapping paper and Botox, according to the list, which is used to measure inflation.
the rest of the article is here

Better stock up now before the Summertime, is all I can say. Come June, they won’t be able to keep them in the stores

Sdtrk: ‘Ich kann dir icht böse sein’ by France Gall

I hit one of the computer labs on campus today, in order to do my PowerPoint and integration homework that I can’t do at home, cos my computer only has Micro$oft Word, and the other one doesn’t even have that. The assignments run like typical workbook assigments: the exercise formulates a scenario — in this case, a group of fictitious tutoring centres are opening in Phoenix, AZ — and the book had me write up a letter to the local families that had children, letting them know what the centres offer, as well as describing the initial student assesment, tutoring fees, and advanced course work. Essentially, I had to make up a letter, but it had to mention the previous details. Heh. So off I went!

The Human Family
Address
City, State ZIP

Dear Local Families Who Have Children,

I am pleased to announce that Learning Fulfillment Centers offer a whole new world of learning unto your brand new children. As recently as 2001, the Greater Phoenix area has seen the opening of two more offices, in order to provide your young prodigies with as much learning as we can literally pour into their craniums.

Why are the highly-acclaimed Learning Fulfillment Centers so magnificently successful? Well, I’ll tell you. Our trained staff of staff trainees evaluates each and every student individually, and handcrafts a unique custom plan for each one of them. Will your child grow up to be a mild-mannered botanist, or will he perhaps learn to speak only in binary? Will she create medicines that benefit humanity, or instead raise the entire country of Monaco several miles above the Earth’s surface? With our programs, your child’s potential will truly have the opportunity to grow without limits.

As well as the standard grade school curriculum, we also offer one-on-one tutoring that utilizes state-of-the-art robot helpers, and, upon assessment, advanced course work will be offered to your children, taking place in our acclaimed hermetically-sealed classrooms that exist both within and without the boundaries of Time and Space. Our programs have been so successful since the Learning Fulfillment Centers were started back in 1997, that couples worldwide are having babies, for the sole purpose of sending their offspring to our schools. Even Austrian Archduke Franz Ferdinand, who was assassinated back in 1914 by Gavrilo Princip, in a regrettable act that initiated the start of World War I, wished with his dying breath that he could live to sire a son, that would eventually enroll in a Learning Fulfillment Center program. Would that were it so! But alas, it was not to be.

At the Learning Fulfillment Center, we realize that children are our future, and if we can only harness their tiny genius brains to create time machines, or successful cold fusion, or even something as simple as a microwave that heats every single part of the chicken pot-pie without leaving the center still partially frozen, then we believe that all the arduous ninja-supervised training was well worth the effort. Understandably, our courses are a little more expensive than standard schools, but your child is worth it. Your future is worth it.

Please take a moment to look over the seventeen and a half pounds of enclosed literature that details our curriculum. I look forward to hearing from you soon!

Very truly yours,
Dave Kuroneko

After integrating my data from the Excel worksheets, I had to cut a couple of lines, but you’ve just read the pre-edited version.
*shaking head* Man. What the hell is wrong with my brain??

Sdtrk: ‘Piazza, New York catcher’ by Belle and Sebastian

To quote the inimitable Withnail, I’ve got a bastard behind the eyes. Actually, I’ve had it for a couple of days now, and I’m sure going to class this eve, where every other student was coughing, didn’t help. Brilliant. 😐
When I awaken tomorrow, I’ll be sure to grab a fistful of ibuprofen to stave it off, and if that doesn’t work, then I’ll pronounce it a tumour. Bleh.

At least I bought my copy of Nausicaä, a snip at $17, from Meijer. Not too shabby

I’m gonna quote an excerpt here, and you can just go and click that link yourselves.

Op to remove baby’s second head

Manar Maged was originally one of conjoined identical twins, but her sister failed to develop in the womb.

As a result she was born with a second head attached to her own — a condition known as craniopagus parasiticus.

Yeah. Now may I follow that up with ‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHH!!!!’

Sdtrk: ‘Another way’ by Vitesse

This doesn’t exactly fall under my usual standard of 20th.cen Modern architecture, but this building continually fascinates the living hell out of me. This spooky titan is known as the Ryugyong Hotel, in Pyongyang, North Korea.

The Ryugyong Hotel is, in my opinion, the single most unsettling structure ever erected by the hand of man. It’s 1,082 feet tall, has 105 floors, and encloses 3.9 million square meters of floor space. And it is completely empty. It doesn’t even have windows.

The North Korean government began construction of the building in 1987 at an estimated cost of $750 million, or 2% of the country’s GDP. [..] Work was halted in 1992, and nobody knows exactly why.
from The Shape of Days

I’ll hazard a guess as to why work was halted, apart from the lack of funding and the dodgy concrete. Cos the building is gigantic, creepy, and evil. Would you want to spend your happy holiday in North Korea (yes yes, it’s a contradiction in terms) staying anywhere in that hotel? Seriously, how would they expect to attract paying tourists? I mean, being fair, there are a few Communist-inspired buildings that I like, just cos they’re so relentlessly sturdy and imposing, but jesus, Mordor isn’t as evil as this thing.

It’s funny; I’ve known about this place for a couple of months, so when I first saw it in the PS2 game Mercenaries, where it’s known as the Song Tower, I cackled with glee. It’s on the level where you find the Ace of Clubs. You can blow it up with a bunker buster bomb, and it is o so satisfying.
But hands down, the coolest thing about the Ryugyong Hotel is if you look on any contemporary map of North Korea, you won’t find it there, and tourguides patently refuse to talk about it. The building will probably never be completed, it’s too expensive to tear down, and pretty much all of North Korea denies that it exists. You stare, goggle-eyed, at pictures of it, it’s the tallest structure in the country, but according to the denizens who have to literally live under its shadow, it doesn’t exist. Heh. ‘What hotel? What sinister presence?’

*shudders*

EDIT (13 Jan 08): Links updated. Well, one of them

American news sources are going out of their way to prove themselves to be reactionary idiots these days, but at least they’re passing the savings onto us.

Web Site Claims GI Captured in Iraq

Feb 1, 3:03 PM (ET)
By ROBERT H. REID

BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP) – Iraqi militants claimed in a Web statement Tuesday to have taken an American soldier hostage and threatened to behead him in 72 hours unless the Americans release Iraqi prisoners. The U.S. military said it was investigating, but the claim’s authenticity could not be immediately confirmed.

The posting, on a Web site that frequently carried militants’ statements, included a photo of what that statement said was an American soldier, wearing desert fatigues and seated on a concrete floor with his hands tied behind his back. The figure in the photo appeared stiff and expressionless, and the photo’s authenticity could not be confirmed.

A gun barrel was pointed at his head, and behind him on the wall is a black banner emblazoned with the Islamic profession of faith, “There is no god but God and Muhammad is His prophet.”

A U.S. military spokesman in Baghdad, Marine Sgt. Salju K. Thomas, said he had no information on the claim but “we are currently looking into it.”

Take a good look at that soldier there, the one with the ‘stiff and expressionless’ face. Take a good look. Now, have a look at this.

Now go have a look at that linked article before it’s pulled from the Internet.
My christ. When you’re letting stuff like this slip through your verification nets, why even bother with retaining a verification staff? Why not just change your name from Associated Press to The Onion and be done with it?
*singing* Someone’s gonna get fiiired..

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