‘So stick your fingers in your ears, then’ / Waka waka what?

typed for your pleasure on 30 December 2004, at 8.47 pm

Just finished watching ep.33 of Zeta Gundam. Damn, that show’s ace. I’m watching it in the original Japanese with subtitles, cos American voice actors drive me completely insane, but they needed to slap on big ol’ SPOILER ALERTS whenever the ‘next episode summary’ comes on. The subtitles will say something ambivalent about such-and-such character, but I’m listening to the audio, and I’ll hear ‘Such-and-such character shin da (dies)‘, and I’m like, GodDAMNIT!!@

Also — Patrick, you’ll dig this in particular — I don’t know if this is genius or madness, or mad genius, or genmadniusness. Witness: Pac-Mondrian.

‘Pac-Mondrian closes the perceptual distance between fine art and video games by combining Piet Mondrian’s Modernist masterpiece “Broadway Boogie Woogie” with Toru Iwatani’s classic video game Pac-Man.’

Well, if that isn’t the damnedest thing. Alright, now I want to see a version of DigDug filtered thru Warhol. Or better still, Street fighter in Lichtenstein-style… o, wait

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Festive, in its own fashion

typed for your pleasure on 25 December 2004, at 11.49 pm

Here’s hoping your holidays are not marred by the Great Annihilating Reindeer

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Machines 1, Fleshlings 0

typed for your pleasure on 22 November 2004, at 5.28 pm

A couple of years ago, my first ex-roommate Steve & I were sitting around in the livingroom of our townhouse, discussing something or other, and somehow the subject of Androids & Gynoids came up. (With me in the room? The devil you say!) ‘Wouldn’t it be ace if you could put your brain in the body of an Android?’ I remarked. ‘You wouldn’t have to worry about getting sick, or having to eat, or getting old, or at least a dozen other things!’ Steve, in a shining moment of hyper-lucidity, replied, ‘Yeah, but I’d rather put my brain in a Gynoid’s body. Think about it.’ OMIGOD YES, YES, A THOUSAND TIMES YES. I would probably never leave the house. *big pervy grin*

Yesterday my parents & I were ransacking the house for disposable items, as today is Bulk Garbage Day for our neighbourhood, and my father decided he wanted to finally get rid of the stove-converted-from-an-oil-barrel that had been sitting inactive in the basement for at least a decade. So, believing I had nothing better to do with my time, he handed me a bucket and a garden trowel, and told me to empty the ash from the stove into that, so we could haul it out. After using a larger implement, like, y’know, a fucking shovel, he decides that it’s light enough to haul it out. I had maybe left about two-thirds of the ash in there, as it was so sedentary over the years, that it had become compacted and dense. Nevertheless, out it was going. Everything was alright until we headed out the door, and that’s when I felt a rather sharp pain in my lower back. I don’t think either one of my parents had ever heard me curse to that extent, so it’s nice to know I could teach them something.
So last night, I went to bed at just before midnight, with a throbbing feeling in my back, and I called into work this morning, as Monday is our nine-hour day, and I wasn’t gonna put up with this shit while at work for nine hours. Yeah.
Now who do I grab by the lapels so I can get hooked up with a Gynoid body that resembles Alyson Hannigan? I DEMAND SATISFACTION!!

Right, back to bed wi’ me, I suppose

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Speaking of Hallowe’en..

typed for your pleasure on 1 November 2004, at 2.58 am

I went in costume for the so-called Hallowe’en party at work on Friday. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with my appearance, here’s a semi-recent picture:


The author, in repose

Now, you see that pic? I dress like that all of the time. It’s an extraordinarily rare occasion when I’m not wearing black, white and grey, and I’m usually in either green or purple. No exceptions whatsoever.
So this year, for shits and giggles, I decided that I would dress up for the party. And seeing as that the entire point of dressing up for Hallowe’en is to go as something you’re not, I decided to dress as some preppy tosser. Between scouring two Value Worlds and buying clothes that I wouldn’t be caught dead in, deliberately choosing colours that I despise, I came up with something quite nice on a limited budget. I obtained a blue sweatshirt, a pair of bluejeans, some brown & blue Timberland-like shoes, and borrowed a blue-and-white checked shirt from my father, so my costume expenditure total came to about $13. I combed back my bangs, removed my chrome-and-black leather wrist belts, scraped off my black nailvarnish, and removed five of my six earrings for better assimilation, and, combined with the dodgy clothes I was wearing, I pulled off something fairly hideous.

Most of my coworkers didn’t get it, but the few that did found it pretty funny. I suppose it was really more to amuse myself than anyone else.. I’ll tell you this, though; I could not wait to get home and change

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Doing their part to Advertise and Confuse

typed for your pleasure on 30 October 2004, at 6.22 pm

Here we go again! Another dodgy-yet-intriguing missive from Spam Email Technologies Co. Ltd. Inc.; this one beginning with the sentence ‘You sleep with your eyes open’, which I thought was kinda cool. The body ov the message itself is your typical ‘G.e.n.e.r.i.c V-I-A-G-R-A – No Prescription Needed !!’ shill, but the paragraph at the bottom, which I’ve quoted in its entirety, is what really grabbed my attention:

“Why am I here?” They will be wearing their most revealings underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down. The employers were also asked to list the “most unusual” questions that have been asked by job candidates. If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. I feel uneasy indoors. You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked. You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. This involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. A German accent will do. Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.

Wow, it’s W.S.Burroughs writing song lyrics for Pulp. Well done, Spambots!

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‘It’s my own invention’, or, Five Dollar Bear

typed for your pleasure on 24 October 2004, at 9.31 pm

I’ve just forged a Bold New Taste Sensation! It’s a sandwich ov my own invention, and it’s beautiful. Take two McDonald’s hash brown patties and place them next to each other. Pour barbecue sauce atop one ov them (I used a packet from Burger King), then drop a slice ov crispy bacon atop that. It has to be crispy, otherwise the whole sandwich is roooined. Then take the other hash brown and place it on top ov the entire assemblage, and consume with vigour. With VIGOUR!! I call it the Sogo Nogo sandwich, cos it’s so good, but it’s just no good for you, I’m certain. I’m no dietitian, I have no idea.
If you want to try the ‘Western’ variant, replace the McDonalds hash browns with two Arbys potato cakes, and use their barbeque sauce. That’s food, baby!

For best results, wash it down with a beverage ov my own invention. You’ll need a container ov vanilla coffee creamer and a 20 oz ov Dr pepper. Wait until you’ve drunk at least half the Dr pepper, then pour the creamer into it (tilt the bottle at an angle to reduce the foam). If you wish to flavour a full 20 oz, you’ll definitely require a glass and another creamer (one creamer per every 10 oz), and you’ll have to add the creamer slowly & carefully, cos that shit will make the Dr pepper erupt in foamy flames. Or just foam, to be honest.

Delicious! And to think I’ve never taken a single cooking class

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O, deer

typed for your pleasure on 12 October 2004, at 2.56 am

Far be it from me to do the Penda’s Diner thing, where I post a news article and fire off a couple ov one-liners about it, but this story has to be seen to be believed..


You can fit a single deer in the Range Rover’s spacious
front cargo hold

Deer’s 25-mile bumper road trip

A deer survived a 25-mile ride in the bumper of a car after it was hit by a motorist travelling to work. The muntjac deer remained unnoticed by the driver who thought he had hit a stone and continued on his way.

Only when he reached Sainsbury’s distribution centre in Borehamwood, Hertfordshire, did his colleagues point out the animal was stuck in his Rover.

Vets examined the deer but found no injuries apart from cuts and bruises and released it back into the wild.

‘Superficial cuts’

Fire and RSPCA officers were called to the car park to free the deer before it was taken to the Royal Veterinary College (RVC) in Potters Bar.

Virginia Fisher, from the RVC, said: “She did not need emergency care, she was very, very lucky, I don’t know how she managed to survive.

“One horn was bleeding as a result of a graze and she had superficial cuts and bruises, that’s all.”

A spokeswoman for Hertfordshire Fire and Rescue Service said the driver of the Rover did not want to be interviewed, but is thought to have hit the deer in Amersham, Buckinghamshire, last Wednesday morning.

“He thought he’d driven over a stone and didn’t think anything of it, it was only when he got to work some colleagues pointed it out,” she said.

The RSPCA told BBC News Online a very similar accident involving a muntjac deer and a Rover car happened in Essex two years ago.

The deer also survived in that case as well.

Kevin Jones, communications manager at MG Rover, said: “We work hard to protect the driver and spend time on pedestrian safety. We are delighted that we can help save deer as well.”

What the hell kind ov mental patient are you where you strike an object as large as a baby deer, and merely think to yourself, ‘O, that was probably just a rock’?? Driving along, listening to his Cd ov ‘The Best of the Moody Blues’ BA-WHUMP ‘A bit too much gravel on the tarmac this morning, eh? It’s a good job I’m driving a Range Rover™’. Jesus, some people.

On the other hand, that deer’s gonna be telling that story to her grandbucks and granddoes for years

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