I swear, this actually happened!

typed for your pleasure on 17 June 2005, at 12.23 am

Sdtrk: ‘Blue skied an’ clear’ by Slowdive

You can blame SafeT’s comments and excessive viewing of Zip Gun’s ‘The Day Today’ DVD for this ‘un.

ROUEN, FRANCE (AP) – The music and entertainment world was stunned when Michael Jackson, the 46-year old King of Pop and world-famous child-toucher, was fatally shot several times by an angry passerby.

Jackson was having what appeared to be an impromptu celebration, due to the dropping of his recent child molestation charges, at a restaurant called ‘Le Lapin Gonflé’, on the outskirts of Paris. According to eyewitnesses, Jackson made a protracted attempt to order crepes, when area cynic Jean-Jacques ‘Le Jacques’ Chirac walked up to the party’s table, pulled a pistol from his jacket pocket, and emptied the magazine into the singer’s chest.

‘The shooting itself just happened so fast,’ said Peter Hurpingerder, one of Jackson’s attendants. ‘Michael wanted to order ten pounds worth of crepes and cheese for all of us, but wanted to place the order in French. He never knew the language, so he was stuttering and mumbling his way through it for five minutes. The waiter asked him several times to please repeat what he had said, and with every repetition, Michael’s voice grew more and more faint and incomprehensible. He had just managed to stammer out “je suis le canard gigantesque”, when that guy from that table over there stood up, walked quickly towards Michael, and started shooting. I dropped my dinner roll in abject fear.’

‘I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to finish that roll,’ Hurderpinger added.

Jackson was hastily strapped onto a makeshift gurney and rushed to a nearby hospital, but it was too late. His body then began to slowly dissolve into a gooey flesh-coloured paste. Handlers carefully scooped the paste into a bucket, where it will be shipped back to Jackson’s Neverland Ranch following what passes for an autopsy.

Chirac, 38, was apprehended by local gendarmes and hustled to a nearby police station. Upon questioning if he had planned to assassinate the singer, Chirac lit a Gauloise and took a long, meaningful drag. ‘No,’ he answered in French, ‘I just wanted him to either speak up or shut up. His voice was like a high-pitched mumbling, like a fly stuck in my ear, endlessly saying nothing that I could understand. I am not sorry for what I have done, because life, she is like a crazy merry-go-round, and you can only hop on it once.’ As he spoke, the smoke from his cigarette wafted lazily through the room, much like the haze of questions that the reporters would surely have for him upon release to the general public.

Chirac then extracted a harmonica from his shirt pocket and played a stirring rendition of ‘Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien’.

Upon hearing the news of their brother’s demise, Jermaine, Tito, and Harpo burst into loud, messy sobbing. Neither Janet or her breasts could be reached for comment.

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The halls of SHADO are empty now

typed for your pleasure on 9 June 2005, at 10.08 pm

Sdtrk: ‘I hear a symphony’ by Pizzicato five

Well, shit. 🙁

UFO Stars Ed Bishop and Michael Billington Have Died

In an appalling tragic coincidence, ED BISHOP and MICHAEL BILLINGTON, the two lead actors in Gerry Anderson’s 1969 series UFO have both died this week within days of each other.Michael Billington, who played man-of-action Colonel Paul Foster in the series, passed away on Monday, June 6th. He was 63. The circumstances of his death have not been released.

Ed Bishop, who starred as the tough, dedicated SHADO Commander Ed Straker in UFO and also provided the voice for Captain Blue in Captain Scarlet And The Mysterons, died on the morning of Wednesday, June 8th, just three days shy of his 73rd birthday. He is believed to have contracted a fatal virus while undergoing hospital treatment, but the exact cause of death is currently under investigation.

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18 May 1980

typed for your pleasure on 18 May 2005, at 1.34 am

How can I find the right way to control
All the conflict inside, all the problems beside
As the questions arise and the answers don’t fit
Into my way of things, into my way of things

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Azrael’s been awful busy

typed for your pleasure on 2 April 2005, at 5.14 am

Sdtrk: ‘Roaring blood’ by Guitar wolf

This is a first in my lifetime — society’s recent Death Quadrafecta. You know how celebrity deaths usually come in threes? Well, this time, HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER!!

In order of personal importance:

1) Bass Wolf, bass player for Guitar Wolf
Admittedly, I’ve only ever heard two songs by Guitar Wolf in their entirety, but I enjoyed the utter cheese factor that is ‘Wild zero‘. And Guitar Wolf is just a fun band, anyway — they’re like a faster, more feedback-laden, more insane Japanese version of the Ramones. My friend Dave, who sat us all down in Derek’s livingroom a few years ago and showed us his DVD copy of ‘Wild zero’, managed to catch them when they rolled through Detroit only a couple of weeks ago. Now, no-one has any idea if the band will continue.

2) Terri Schiavo, a bulimic-cum-martyr
Yes, she was a fucking idiot for being a bulimic in the first place, but there was absolutely no need for that woman and her husband to go through what they went through. They should’ve allowed her to die (meaning, physically die, as she had been braindead for several years) without publicity or outside interference, end of story.

3) Mitch Hedberg, a standup comic
To be honest, I’ve never heard of the bloke; from what I understand, he was on Comedy central occasionally. I only knew about him cos it was it was mentioned in ‘Overcompensating’ a couple of times.

4) Pope John Paul II, a dictator with a strange taste in headgear
Catholicism makes my bile rise to unprecedented levels. The less said about ‘Mr Infallible’, the better.
Actually, as of this writing, he isn’t dead, per se, cos I’d heard earlier in the day from what I thought to be a reliable source that he died, but checking various news sites, it seems that he’s only near death. COME ON, PEOPLE, ONE OR THE OTHER HERE.

Just wanted to bring your attention to all that, in case you’re like me, and get your news secondhand. I mean, I just found out that Martin Denny died round the beginning of March, which really brought me down.

Right, I’m off to bedness. Later on this week-end, I’ll fill y’all in on the Bloc party show I attended Fri eve

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Beyond Giger

typed for your pleasure on 7 March 2005, at 5.30 pm

Sdtrk: ‘G turns to D’ by Sloan

Usually when I’m on das InfoBahn, I’m either spending the majority of my time going through my bookmarks of RealDoll and similar Synthetik companion sites (twenty-one, at last count), or I’m wasting time on my two favourite image boards, 4chan and WAKAchan. It was on WAKAchan where I learned that some artist bloke that I’d never heard of before, by the name of Zdzisław Beksiński, was stabbed to death in his home in Poland.
Now, cos it’s an image board, someone had posted a couple of pics of Beksiński’s pieces, and at first glace, I thought they’d been done by H.R Giger. Pretty close, yeah, but Giger’s territories seem like they’d be more likely on an alien world, whereas Beksiński’s works somehow seem more suited towards our planet; albeit after Revelations.

Give his stuff a look-in. In their own nightmarish way, they’re beautiful paintings, and they tend to remain in your mind long after you look at them. It’s really a tragedy that Beksiński was senselessly murdered, but at least his works will always be around

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