Sdtrk: ‘William, it was really nothing’ by the Smiths

It had to happen eventually. Actually, this sort of thing’s happened before, but I can’t locate a link to a previous reported instance at the moment. So won’t you just facepalm along with me, and read this instead?

Japanese murder investigators fooled by life-sized sex doll
Justin McCurry in Tokyo
guardian.co.uk | Tuesday September 02 2008 17:12 BST

Police in Japan have been left red-faced by an apparent murder that turned out to be an unusual case of mistaken identity.

It began in the morning with a frantic call from a couple who had spotted a “corpse” while out walking their dog in a mountain forest in Izu, central Japan, the ZakZak news website reported today.

Fifteen officers were dispatched to the scene, where they discovered a human form wrapped in plastic and tightly bound around the neck, midriff and ankles, with hair protruding from one end.

The body was left untouched and taken away for examination, and the crime scene duly secured by a police cordon.

Back at the local police headquarters, officials notified reporters who had turned up early the same morning to cover an annual earthquake drill. They began preparing to write up the launch of a major murder investigation.

Dozens of extra officers were dispatched to interview potential witnesses, while the evening edition of the local newspaper carried a report of the gruesome find, complete with a photograph of the body’s resting place.

By mid-afternoon, the body was in the hands of police pathologists. But when they sliced open the wrapping, they were confronted not by a decomposing corpse, but by a life-sized sex doll.

A police spokesman apologised for the commotion but defended his officers, saying they had simply been following protocol by leaving the concealed “body” untouched until it was in the hands of pathologists.

Though no crime had been committed, the spokesman could not resist admonishing the doll’s mystery owner. The doll, he told bemused reporters, showed signs of repeated use.

“Our guess is that the owner didn’t want to take a risk by throwing it away with the rest of his rubbish,” he said. “It was an incredibly irresponsible thing to do.”
photo source is here

Going by the detail and the skintone of her (very cute) feet, she kinda looks like either a RealDoll or a My Party Doll. Frankly, the pathologists should’ve consulted a professional.
Ahem.

The way I see it, this silly fuckwit had five options. He could’ve:
1. sold her (yes, there’s a market for that sort of thing)
2. given her a decent burial
3. run her round to Shimizu Kannon-do in Ueno park, where Orient industry consecrates Doll souls twice a year as a Buddhist memorial service
4. wrapped her up, flung her into the woods, waited for the subsequent CRAZY MEDIA EXPOSURE, and giggled for a week straight, or
5. sent her round to Ronald Dotson, as I hear he could use the company.
Can you guess which one our idiot friend went with?

Wow. Someone just won some bonus punches, as far as I’m concerned. Not out of spite or anger, mind you, but purely to teach him an abject lesson

EDIT (19 SEPT): A pleasant follow-up!

Sdtrk: ‘Syncopot’ by Ron Geesin

Four days into the month, and it looks like a slim showing of news. Perhaps things will pick up, though… I mean, apart from Simroid-chan and Holon-chan, what’s Kokoro Co. Ltd been up to? Or KITECH, for that matter? Didn’t Baeg Moon-hong promise that EveR-3 would be making her debut before we see the back of 2008?? And should I even enquire about the company that brought the world Dion? Don’t tease us, people; it’s impolite…

So what have we got for September? We have

+ a new model of Personal Companion by the name of Brandi-Lynn, from the good blokes at 1st-PC.

CAUTION: does not come with hairbrush

At 5’5″ and around 55 lbs, boasting measurements of 36.23.35, she seems rather pleasing! And to me, she bears a passing resemblance to Heather Graham. I think it’s the hair. Put her in a pair of rollerskates — the old-style ones, not the inline kind — and see if I’m wrong…

+ Phoenix Studios, as expected, has added yet another sexy Boy Toy to their sexy stable.

CAUTION: pointy hair

Miss September is an enticing lass, I’d say. And did you notice that she’s got, err, more to offer in the bust department? ‘I come with enhanced breasts at no extra charge!’ she says. That’s a pretty positive selling point, so you have to admire her initiative.

+ And rounding out this month’s report is a personal item; this Sunday past, I was once again the subject of a blitzkrieg ten-minute interview conducted by Tanya Gold, for The Independent, a newpaper from the UK. She’d sent an Email asking if I’d be willing to speak about being Sidore’s long-suffering husband, so I naturally said Yes. At the very least, it should be interesting; for one, she seemed genuinely startled when I mentioned that my ideal partner would be a walking, talking Gynoid… I mean, who knew, right? *gestures to ‘Shouting etc etc’ in general*
She tells me the article should materialise sometime next week, and of course, once I know, you lot will know. You know?

Technorati tags: Simroid, Holon, Kokoro Co. Ltd., KITECH, 1st-PC, Phoenix Studios, Boy Toy Dolls

Sdtrk: ‘Silver sands’ by Stereolab

Sometimes when I oversleep, my subconscious tends to get all crazy. Of course, I mean moreso than usual.
I’ve just awakened after having a dream that Franz Ferdinand‘s Alex Kapranos was half-jokingly teaching me how to box. Now Franz Ferdinand’s music is pretty fab, but somehow I don’t really picture Alex being the next Sonny Liston. So he’s probably at about the level of boxing skill I could muster, frankly

Sdtrk: ‘Shakespeare’s sister’ by the Smiths

Well, this certainly speaks to me:

Be sure to visit the cartoonist’s site, the rut. No, that’s what it’s called

Sdtrk: ‘Kangaroo’ by This mortal coil

It’s long been a goal of mine to learn multiple languages, as obviously it can open up several new venues for a person. In order, I’d love to master Japanese, German, French, and Gaelic (both Scottish and Irish). Hell, why not throw in Lapine, the language the rabbits spoke in ‘Watership down’, as well, cos if I somehow manage to free up enough time in my life to learn five additional languages, I might as well make it six. But it’d be fantastic: Japanese would enable me to understand all that Japanimation that I watch; German would let me translate Laibach lyrics; French, so I could watch unadulterated episodes of ‘Belle et Sébastien’, and Gaelic, so I could ken what the living hell’s being said on this webpage.

Arbh fhearr leat bábóg nó bean?!
Le Ciara Nic Gabhann

Is ait an mac an saol, rud a fhíoraíonn lucht ceannaithe Real Dolls go paiteanta. Tugann Ciara Nic Gabhann léargas ar na fir arbh fhearr leo caidreamh a bheith acu le bábóg ná le fíorbhean.

Tagann an ráiteas “there’s nowt as queer as folk” chun cuimhne agus mé ag meabhrú ar an scannán Lars and the Real Girl, a bhí le feiceáil i bpictiúrlanna le gairid.

Sa scannán seo insítear scéal fir óig, Lars (Ryan Gosling), a bhfuil cónaí air i mbaile beag. Is duine é Lars a mbíonn faitíos uafásach air agus é i gcomhluadar – comhluadar ban ach go háirithe – agus mar gheall air seo, seachnaíonn sé gach saghas caidrimh. Labhraíonn comhghleacaí dá chuid leis lá amháin faoi mhainicíní sileacóin, ar a dtugtar Real Dolls, atá múnlaithe i bhfíorchruth mná. I ngan fhios d’aon duine, ordaíonn Lars ceann de na bábóga ar an idirlíon.
the rest of the article is here

It’s about Dolls and iDollators, and mentions me and the Missus in extant (looks like it quotes that pack of lies known as the Marie Claire UK article) as well as ‘Lars etc etc’, and the language burns my brain.
Would any of you lovely readers out there happen to know Gaelic, by any chance? I’d use Babelfish, but as you know, that’s sometimes akin to putting a language in a blender, and drinking the results. Any takers? I’ll name a kitten after you!*

*note: the kitten won’t actually be mine, as our apartment doesn’t allow pets

Sdtrk: ‘I just wasn’t made for these times’ by the Beach boys

Summertime’s nearly overwith (thankfully), but it’s still sound advice to stay indoors where the air conditioning is and buy something online! After all, with US petrol prices hovering close to European levels, who wants to drive anywhere?

+ It’s… it’s lovely…

We at Coffincouches.com have the mindset of thinking “Green” and we know it is different but we strongly believe in recycling. Our niche happens to be 18 gauge steel coffins which we collected from local funeral homes primarily in Southern California. It is a health and safety law that funeral homes cannot resell used coffins to the general public. We approached funeral directors with the attitude of recycling. These coffins are not used for burial due to slight cosmetic inconsistencies. They are reconfigured and modified resulting in a finished product – a unique one a kind coffin couch.

YES. A COUCH MADE OUT OF AN ACTUAL COFFIN. I need to start making more money, so I can get a bigger place, so I can fit one of these bad boys into it. Just over there, at a right angle to my Eero Aarnio ball chair

+ Come to think of it, I’ll need money for a whole new house, so I can buy some land in Scotland, and have it built upon it.

Buy a Laird, Lady or Lord Title today!
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to buy a title? For as little as $59.99 you can buy a noble title and your very own plot of land on an estate in Lochaber, in the Scottish Highlands. As a Scottish land owner you will be privileged to style yourself Laird, Lady or Lord of Lochaber.

The Laird title is the Scottish form of a Lord title, meaning “land owner” and by purchasing one of our range of plots you will become owner of your very own Highland Estate and Lord title – you choose how large an estate you want to own. Joint estates are available for couples.

You will be asked to provide us with the new Lord’s name when you place your order and we will swiftly deliver the fully personalised documents in a beautiful glossy full colour folder, shrinkwrapped to protect it in transit, and gift wrapped if desired. Whether it’s for yourself – or it is a gift, the pack is a delight to receive. You may use your land however you wish – feel free to take up residence if your Estate is large enough!

One of the things you get with your deed would be a heraldic crest of your very own. I’m tempted, so tempted… I mean, come on. Laird Davecat and Lady Sidore. Say that aloud, in a voice approximating Sean Connery’s for the full effect

+ This would be a very important test, that every one of us can use, that I found on das Interbutt.

Created by OnePlusYou

Cos y’know what? You never know when you may be forcibly ejected into the endless frigid vacuum that is Space Itself. You could even compose a haiku if you have enough time and a pen and paper!

Tumbling fast now
Explosion wrecks the capsule
This would be ggllarghaharrguhpfft

+ I really need to be reading ths more often: Overheard Everywhere. It’s rather like that Lewis Black joke about when he caught the tail end of a conversation from a lass on a cellphone ‘…and I would’ve gone back to college, if it weren’t for that horse!’, only for several high-larious pages.

Drunken wedding guest to videographer going from table to table: Zach*, I want to wish you and Jenny* many years of happiness, and I hope you get as much pleasure out of fucking her as I did.
Other guests at table: Erase that! Erase that!
Videographer: Are you kidding? This is like gold!

or

Professor: I think I popped a few Oxycontins before I wrote this so it might not make any sense.

or

Victoria’s Secret salesgirl to couple: Our bras are 15% off today.
Male: I prefer it when your bras are 100% off.
Victoria’s Secret salesgirl: [With a blank look on her face.] That wouldn’t make sense. Then they would be free.

Quality. In the air and everywhere

+ Also, allow me to geek out for a minute — no laughing, you — and say OMFG WATCHMEN!!1!
Although I’ve not seen ‘300’, the bloke who directed that handled ‘Watchmen’ and so far, it looks like he’s done a fine job with the visuals, at the very least. I’m actually excited to see this when it comes out next March, and I daresay it might be even be a faithful adaptation of one of my favourite graphic novel series of all time. As long as it doesn’t get fucked and waylaid like that atrocious, hideous, ill-handled, and smelly film version of ‘League of Extraordinary Gentlemen’, I’ll be really happy. I might actually stop hating Hollywood for a couple of minutes! Although Alan Moore, the madman genius who wrote the story might not agree; he’s had a long history of Hollowwood taking liberties with adapting his works to the silver screen — ‘League’ would be a prime example — cos in looking over the credits, his name’s nowhere to be found… Still, I’m keeping my fingers tightly crossed

+ And finally, it appears that Paula ‘Botox-chan‘ Oliveira has A NEW CHALLENGER.

You will soon find this pic distracting / annoying / terrifying

I dub thee… Lockjaw-chan. Perhaps this is the effect she was going for?

ta very much to KrazyQ for Lockjaw-chan’s pic

Sdtrk: ‘Roma’ by Pizzicato five

Cos you’ve heard it before, really. But perusing my stats this eve, I did get a hearty laugh out of someone hitting ‘Shouting etc etc’ through a phrase that (temporarily) shifted the scowl from my face:

As a completely unrelated point of interest, I’d also like to point out that on average, the price of a gallon of 87-octane petrol in the tri-county area is between $3.79 – $4.07 USD. Just something to consider